Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
