my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
