I have demons in me.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
