The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize