Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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