Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
