he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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