Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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