Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
