I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The best revenge is premature balding
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
dude. I can hear the air.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
