In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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