he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
