Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
