i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
