the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
