Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
