I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
