my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
my liver is dry heaving
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
that may or may not have been my penis.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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