Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
