my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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