I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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