Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
