I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
