I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
