I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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