This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
