considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
