Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The ass gains better be worth it
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