the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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