I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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