Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
