The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
