Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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