Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
