I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
smell my finger.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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