john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
