AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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