where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
