My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
