booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
