I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
