Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
