You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
