When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
