i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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