I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
