wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize