my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
