my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
