From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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