i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
