What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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