I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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