i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
