dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize